Forever In Your Hands

Relapse

2011-09-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about drinking again. It has been 34 months since I had a drink. I feel really weird around the people I hang out with. The people I live with a binge drinkers, they drink to get drunk while the people I volunteer with are social drinkers. They do not go wild and do anything stupid. I have been contemplating to start again, only with the social drinkers. I feel that there is a lot of pressure from my peers to drink. I know it will end badly and it would be even worse than before.

I think being sober is great. Your mind is very alert and you are aware of your surroundings. I would recommend anyone to do this. It is a great satisfaction to stop drinking because you feel so much better. I have lost lots of weight. I used to be around 160lbs now I am 135 lbs. I also eat less and bike more often.

For me, I just feel weird being around people. I used to be anti-social growing up and I had a hard time making friends. As I got older, it became harder. Most people I know that do not drink are Muslims and unfortunately for me, I am an atheist.

There are some criteria I would start drinking again:
1) Getting a full time job in statistics
2) Manchester United winning the Treble this season (Premier League, FA Cup, and Champions League).

Home

2010-12-27T23:18:00.001-08:00

I am in Singapore, bored out of my mind... I want to do something fun like ride my bike, but i dont have a bike here....

two.2.due.dos.dooey.ni.

2010-11-07T19:01:00.000-08:00

2 years did not go by quickly. I felt so much pain during these years. I made a lot of sacrifices. I did not do it because of religious reasons.

I did it to save myself from ending my own life

My lifestyle does not complement to the environment I am in.

I need to get out...

People think it is easy.

It's not.

I swear I did this all on my own. Nobody suggested anything. What worked before worked. So I decided to fall to my old self, the way I liked it.

That feeling of sadness has come back once again. I am really depressed now. I am doing badly in school and I am trying my best. I just want to be left alone. Something about the solitude keeps me satisfied with my life. No drama, no trying to get this girl then realize I wont be able to maintain the relationship, etc

I haven been home in almost a year. I am so burnt out. I am taking a full load next semester and it is not looking very good.

I am hooked on the internet. Poker, browsing, chatting....I cant get away. I tried to start an assignment at 11 am but it is already 9pm...

Tick tock, the clock goes by...

Swim to the Moon

2010-07-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am doing bad in school. I cant keep my head straight. I am addicted to the computer. I feel anxious if I dont use it. The funny thing is that I didn play any online poker for 2 weeks and I am falling behind school.

I cant seem to focus...

I wished I went home before starting summer school. I feel so homesick right now. I dont really have that many friends here, the ones I used to hang out with just plain suck. I have been sober for a long time and I have finally reached the point of my life where I really hate being around alcohol cuz it makes me so sick. The memories of that night keeps coming back every time i see it.

Tick tock tick tock...

That is all I hear in the head. I lost so much time here. I wish I never lived in the house. I wish I never lost touch with my friends from high school. I wish for so many things.

I crave that poison...

I am looking for the next thing. I want to see what the other side of campus is like. The non party people. I know there is a place for me here, but I cant find it.

This is not what I imagined...

I need to go back to counseling and maybe therapy. I want to know why I feel this way for the last decade.

Poker Face

2010-06-02T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have been playing online poker since October 2009. I started to teach myself how to play last year and I started playing for real money. I won a 3rd place at my fraternity's tournament which was $20 ($5 buy in) and I became really into it. I started actively participating at the poker club at the university and met lots of people. I was able to have a network of friends whom I could go to whenever i was having a hard time playing.

How I started off

1. $10 bankroll, staked in $8 for 4 tables at the .01/.02 tables (bad idea for bankroll management) lost almost all of it, realizing that playing for $2 per table was dumb, and i was very new at cash game poker.

2. Deposited $20, started playing $1 normal tables, worked my way up to $40, then started playing for $2 table. I struggled alot and at one point i was below $40. My bro, crazydude893, helped me fix some of my leaks and i shot up from $45 to $104 in 2 weeks, with a $23 session in one day. When i reached $80, i knew i was good at this stakes so i bought in for $3 tables and i shot up crazy.

3. With a bankroll of $103, i started the .025/.05 tables and won a buy in ($5). The next day was perhaps the worst day of my poker career yet. I lost 8 buyins ($40) in less than 2 hours. All my hard earned $40 gone right there. I was tilting hard. I had to go back to NL2 to re-earn my bankroll.

4. The comeback to NL5 was brutal, really brutal. At NL2, i saw a whole new game, really different kinds of plays. It was like you were in an alternate universe. With $70, I went up to $79 then down to $59 and up and down, barely reaching $80 few times. I got myself a poker program that tracks stats of opponents and i was gaining profits.

5. Today, I came back to $100 and took a shot again at NL5. In less than 20 mins and 79 hands ( I play about 2000 hands a day, tabling 10+ tables on NL2), I made $12.50 playing on only 6 tables! I have learnt to tighten up and I see really good results in the future. I have estimated that I will take 2 weeks to beat this stake.

My goal is to beat NL5 on June 13th, cuz my summer school starts the day after.

Shuffle up and deal!

Sun of Nothing

2010-02-28T11:39:00.000-08:00

The sun of nothing. Floating towards the sun, the sun of nothing. I have become the sun of nothing.
Nothing is here. Memories are not clear.
Floating to the sun… farther away.
I can't believe that’s what it has come to... I never really had it all that bad.
I just looked around and never thought about the blank stares.

1 1/3 years = 16 months = 480 days = 11,520 hours = 691,200 min = 41,472,000 secs

I tried hard to end all. It keeps coming back. I run away, but I am not moving. I wanna get away, from all this. It is consuming me alive. I want this to end.

Sequoia Throne

2010-02-06T23:57:00.000-08:00

It would be nice to meet a gal who loves metal as i do....

Palms Reads

2010-01-24T19:00:00.000-08:00

Back in school, really hate Champaign...

Berzerker

2010-01-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

None of the scenarios came true. I actually did better than I predicted. A in Stat 200, A in FSHN 120, B in CS 105, C+ STAT 410. GPA 3.33... thats the best grade ive ever got. so im still in school...

i spent 10 days in bangladesh and it was great seeing my relatives who i have not seen in awhile. Going around Bangladesh was really fun. I rode the rickshaw and the baby taxi to get to places and it just relaxing going around. i am definitely gonna miss being there, except i didn do my laundry so i was wearing the same clothes more than twice.

Singapore on the other hand, felt really weird. Most of my friends are not even here but i did manage to meet up with some people. Shubro was here so i went around Jurong Point and watched Sherlock Holmes. The weekend was pretty awesome. I had a chat with Wei Fen and it felt really great, cuz I haven talked her in so long. I met up with Brendan on sunday and we went around town. i was kinda sad to be leaving soon, but at the same time, i really want to go back cuz i felt as if everyone here is leaving to other places and there wouldn be any point to come back anytime soon. i dont really miss singapore as much as i thought i did. i still dont know why im feeling empty.

I felt really sick on monday. i felt this heaviness in my stomach as i was eating. i am paranoid about food ever since i got a stomach flu. i haven been eating a lot cuz of this fear. i am pretty sure i lost some weight because of this.

It sucks that you cant have what you want in life, even if it is infront of you.

Autonomy Lost

2009-12-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

Finals are over. I am afraid to see the grades for my 2 classes. I know i got 2 As, but Im not sure about the other 2. There are couple of scenarios that could happen.

1. B in Cs 105 & C in Stat 410. I can somewhere continue to look forward to next semester, but I will have to drop a class, possibly Math 415 or AGED 260.

2. B in Cs 105 & D in Stat 410. Possibly an academic warning from the college. I might have to retake 410 (plz no, that class took more time than the 3 other classes combined....which was about 12 hours of work)

3. C in Cs 105 & C in Stat 410. There goes my GPA down the toilet. it was useless to retake CS.

4. C in Cs 105 & D in Stat 410. Worst scenario. I might have to drop out from college and seek help. i am thinking about how i am going to move all my stuff from illinois to arizona, or maybe i could just get a job on campus and find a cheap apartment, maybe playing some poker tournaments here and there and win big (ive been playing alot and i think im capable of winning some cash). i know there is a job at the census bureau in the spring that pays decent. i could work 60 hours a week, hopefully try and get some extra cash along the way. also, i could get more money to see a shrink since the university counselors wont be any help. maybe i could try going back to school again, maybe taking some classes at a college nearby and do well...idk...

Ever since I lost elections twice, I have lost my self confidence in anything, whether it is academics or socializing. I dont know how to explain if i got either Scenario 2-4 to the college. What to do I say? "Well, ive become really depressed recently and lost interests in school. I might need therapy again or possibly to just take a break from school." I dont really know why im having this emotional pain everyday. Im depressed everytime i wake up. it feels like the day before and it is never a brand new day. I know im supposed to be positive and all, but i cant seem to find the strength anymore. i thought i could become a better person just avoiding alcohol and drugs, but im still having those feelings before. i think it is becoming alot worse, for some reason. i am afraid to seek help. my parents wont help me and they think it will go away really quickly. i dont get why i am like this. i dont know what is wrong with me. ive been feeling this way for so long and i dont even know how it came about. i hate everyone i meet and i have trouble connecting with people. im happy whenever im playing music with people but ive not done that in so long.

i cant seem to find happiness at all. whenever i become to feel happy, i become sad 10 times longer. i cant even talk to people sometimes cuz i feel as if they are judging me or laughing at the way i look. i tend to keep myself from people and do my own thing. i wanted to change myself by being involve. i wanted to make myself better but i guess those plans will never be done at all, cuz i screwed myself over and over again. its a personality i have since i was little. i just procrastinate like always and do things at the last minute. i was able to fix that last semester, but this semester for some reason, i got abit too distracted with my surroundings. i try to focus on my work but i feel like im missing out on something all the time.

I dont even know if i should look at my grades now. im going to bangladesh and singapore next week and i dont want to become too depressed to talk to anyone. i got some people to meet up with in singapore and i still need to figure out how im going to tell my deep secret to someone i care about. i just hope it will turn out ok. i hate bottling it up for the past 4 years.

i want closure.

Evolutionary Sleeper

2009-12-10T21:13:00.000-08:00

I started feeling delusional recently. I am spending more time in my room than being outside. I like the comfort of my room. I have to start studying for finals but i cant seem to get motivated. i wanted to do really well this semester, but looks like im ending the semester with 2 As, 1 B and a possible C. Although this will be my best semester so far, i still think i could have done a better job, if i stuck to what i really enjoyed.

i dont know why i go to parties. i dont drink or do crazy things anymore. every time im out at a bar, all the underage brothers are asking to get them drinks. im feeling like im wasting my time. i also hit the wall with my guitar playing. I am not really improving in my skills. the fact that i hate wearing my headphones cuz people around here hate loud music kinda ruins the mood.

Still Running

2009-09-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

It's coming back...

Slow Hand of Death

2009-08-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

I got less than a week till i go back to Champaign. I have been thinking alot about what im gonna do with my life. i started having anxiety when i was fixing my schedule for next semester. something in my mind was telling me that i will have a bad schedule once i talk to my advisor. i have not decided on a major yet, and that it is very bad. why am i procrastinating? its simple. i know for sure i will end up doing something totally different from my major once i graduate. so whats the point of doing all this work when you know you are not gonna be doing what you studied for?

i met with CEOs and owners of companies during our fraternity's convention at a networking breakfast and they started out differently. One has degrees in political science and english and guess what he is working as? CEO of a finance firm. another was an electrical engineer for 22 years and got a mid-management crisis so he founded a financial planning company.

what the fuck...

I really dont know what i want to become. all i want to do is to pick a major, graduate and get the fuck out of America. im getting tired of living here. people think i have a great life. well that is true, i have a great home and family, i got accepted to a fine institution, im becoming a citizen, but i dont really know if im really happy with my life. i worked so hard to get to a university and it took my 3 semesters to mess it up.

Even though im feeling down about my college academic career, i am more confident in myself knowing that i have networked with successful people and gained some insight on landing the job i want. i have all these books that i choose to read so that i can be better than who i was before. i can look at the past as lessons and the future as life. its how i perceive the world.

A Wish Full of Dreams

2009-07-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

Another day is going by, and I have accomplished nothing. No job, no internship, no friends, no whatsoever... why is that whenever i do something that make me feel good, my mood crashes after less than a day? i cant even push myself anymore. my dreams are fading away... i dun even know what i want to do in college anymore. paying $26,000 a year and ive learnt shit. makes me wonder why im going to school in the first place.

Awaken The Dreamers

2009-07-06T18:09:00.000-07:00

My counselor was right, exercising does make you feel good. i worked out after a week cuz it was my last week of Italian. i think i did pretty well. i was surprised that my instructor was in Italy.

My plan for this week is workout like crazy. my goal is to lose 4 lbs this week. i lost 3 lbs last week and gained 2 cuz i took a 4 day break which was a mistake and than another 1 lb for a week break. I think im gonna cycle tomorrow and then do some weights and finally some cardio.

i need to drop at least 15 lbs by the end of the summer. i got about 6 weeks left.

Home To Me

2009-07-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

I started feeling nostalgic all of a sudden. i suddenly feel like i really hate this place a lot. i feel that this place is slowly rotting me. i cannot take it anymore. i want to go back to where everything felt normal. i think alot about the past. how great it used to be. its amazing how much i have accomplished in a short time. i haven found a major yet. i dont really feel confident about my studies. i dont really have any interests in school. i am getting sick of it. but i dont wanna drop out cuz that would be stupid. i really have no clue what i want to study. i have taken all these classes and managed to do really bad in them. i dont get it. i used to get As alot in high school and when i come college, its Cs and Ds. i spent alot of my time trying to get my stuff done, but in the end, its not enough. no matter how hard i try, i dun even see results.

summer is almost ending. i got no job, spent alot of money for my st. louis trip in 2 weeks (about $1000). i am leaching off my dad every single day and i need to stop. i already gave up the job search cuz not all the 10 places ive applied to has even called me. i feel so bad that my parents are spending so much money on me and yet i feel so unhappy. i really dont know why.

so i am going to bangladesh in the winter for cousin's wedding as well as spending a week in singapore. i am really nervous about my trip to singapore. i haven been there in almost 4 years. i got about less than a week to spend. i cant waste any day doing nothing. im gonna try to meet alot of old friends and do new stuff there, now that i am 21. i know i used to be alot different in the past, but i think ive changed and im nervous cuz people would see me differently. yes, i am outspoken now and not shy, that might throw people off. i feel nervous about hanging out with my old classmates cuz i dont think they have seen the real me before. and my neighbors? i dont know if they are still in tulip garden. there are some stuff that i want to talk about, but i think its better if i dont cuz i think someone would either be upset or be happy to read about it. wat can i say is that ive been stressing alot about it and i cant stop thinking about it for the last couple of years. i always have dreams about it. i tried to move on but i couldn. even now im still thinking about it, i think that has been causing me to be really depressed.

i know i wanted to this blog to be a happy place, but its slowing turning into my old blog.

Foot To The Throat

2009-07-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

Summer Slaughter was great. I had a blast. I have never watched a live death metal show for hours straight. My ears were ringing for the next few days. I took a a lot of pictures and couple of video. I got couple of free posters which got autographed. i got a tour tshirt which looks cool.

To Breathe In A Casket

2009-06-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

The 3rd of week summer is almost ending. I still haven heard from various places i applied for a job. People tell me that the economy is really bad. I dont really think thats the case. Im pretty sure there are other places that need people. But what do i know? Im not an economist or a fortune teller.

Meanwhile, I started my first online course at ASU. Im taking 3rd level Italian. It feels weird cuz you are learning by yourself. I think its becoming a little interesting. I mean, im good in Italian. I got As in my first 2 levels, the best grade ive gotten in college. The course is pretty intensive. Im spending at least 4 hours a day on it, but i actually like it.

So my job situation isn going anywhere, so i decided im gonna work online like i did last summer. i dont know if i can do it cuz my internet keeps shutting off. i started playing poker again and im gonna start for real money. im gonna be very careful, cuz you can lose alot of money if you make mistakes.

The rest of my summer goes like this - 3 concerts

6/26 Summer Slaughter 2009 - Necrophagist, Born of Osiris, Darkest Hour!!!, Ensiferum, Winds of Plague, Dying Fetus, Beneath the Massacre

This will be my first death metal concert.

7/17 Mayhem Festival 2009 - All That Remains, Killswitch Engage, Trivium, Bullet For My Valentine, God Forbid, Slayer

This is the best lineup i have ever seen. i am very excited about this.

7/21 10 bands $10 - Terror, Poison The Well, etc

Im only going cuz of Terror.

I am going to these concerts by myself. I figured i shouldn miss out on stuff if i cant get anyone to come with me.

7/22 -7/26 Convention - Im going to my fraternity convention. im kinda stoked.

I think im going to California in July. Yeah, thats my plan for the summer so far.

Drift

2009-05-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

I started to realize what i have been missing out on. it wasn the parties that i said no to, or the hang-outs. It is lack of creating something new, which is music. i dont understand why i cant do my own things. the fact that people are bringing me to their level is just scary. i have gotten out of the drinking/drug lifetsyle and it hurts so much. my 21st birthday was really depressiing cuz i didn enjoy what i did. i think i can do much better next time, maybe with a set of different people who i enjoy the most. to be honest, i hate the fraternity in terms of fun. it wasn like this before. i really dread coming back here after a long day of school, cuz really, not much happens around here. its a nice weather outside and people choose to stay inside... i really need to re-evaluate myself...

Abstain

2009-04-19T17:07:00.000-07:00

I have been sober for 24 weeks already. Im turning 21 in 3 weeks and im trying to do decide what to do for my birthday. i have plans to celebrate it without my fraternity brothers, because i dont feel very comfortable around them when im around alcohol. i dont know if they are my true friends. it is hard without tim around cuz he understands the consequences and he usually tells me to do the right thing.

i had the best birthday last year. i went out to celebrate 3 times. once was at hooters, the other time was at the house and Brothers', and finally at Steak and Shake. This year is different. i dont really hang out with my friends from freshman year cuz they live all over campus.

this is what i have been thinking the past weekend. i think i need to find new friends who got similar interests as me.

Im So Glad

2009-03-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

I got a 89 % and a 92 % on 2 of my math midterms. I never got such high scores here in college. Hardwork does pay off! im really glad i am in this major cuz i love math so much. Im getting a hang of studying everyday now.

Last weekend has been really crazy with unofficial st paddy's day. our house got really thrashed so we cleaned up. i studied most of the time during the weekend cuz i had a midterm on monday and one on tuesday. i think i did well on the math midterm but not accounting. i just cant seemed to grasp the ideas, maybe i need to take a step back and look at it at another perspective.

anyway, this week is gonna be fun cuz i dun have any big midterms coming and its gonna be spring break in less than 2 weeks. Im thinking of going out this weekend and maybe get a date for my chapter's impromptu next wednesday. i really dont know how im gonna be doing this. i never have actually went out and told myself to get a date. i hope i can get someone.

New

2009-02-04T20:00:00.000-08:00

I have made a brand new blog. I have deleted the previous blog which i had in a long time.

Update on my life -

1. Changed my major to undecided but I am going to declare Actuarial Science by the summer.
2. I am living in a new room with a great roommate who got engaged to his long time girlfriend of 5 years.
3. I have been sober from alcohol for 13 weeks and going strong.
4. I haven been high for 6 weeks.
5. I started practicing Islam again
6. I have been super busy with my classes and i love it.
7. I study on Saturday and Sunday afternoons and nights.
8. I started going to the gym at 6:30 am on Tues Thurs and Sat.
9. I walk to classes now.
10. I eat healthy and drink lots of water.
11. I plan on doing summer school at Arizona State and transfer credits to here.
12. I plan on taking my first actuarial science exam at the end of the semester.
13. I am a membership events chair at my chapter so i make events happen.
14. I am not in any bands because I am busy.
15. I think life will become better from now on.